When I walk by the mirror, sometimes the person looking back makes me a little nervous. I get distracted, I think they’re really cute. I get excited just looking at them and sometimes I admire them for too long and I end up being late to wherever I’m going.
It’s not someone I know very well though. I only met them recently, some days I don’t see them at all. Almost all of the time I do not recognize them.
There was something about turning 20 that finally made me see myself in a different light. I feel like much hasn’t changed but when I really, actually, look at myself, I like what I see. It’s an entirely foreign and abnormal feeling.
Image Courtesy: Pinterest
There’s a few possible reasons for this sudden shift. I’m much more confident now than I was as an awkward teenager, I’ve finally found and grown into my style, or maybe I’ve just spent enough time with myself to finally be comfortable with what I see.
I always felt ugly growing up. During the height of the pandemic at 13, I became so comfortable covering my face with a mask that it became unfamiliar to me. Going out without one sent me spiralling with anxiety.
Even when I got to dress up and put on the facade of something that was beautiful, it never felt real. I never experienced romance or someone having a crush on me until I graduated high school. Neither of those things means that you’re beautiful or not, but as a young person it makes you think, why not me?
Image Courtesy: Pinterest
It pains my heart now to look at 13-year-old me and remember how they felt they were too ugly to be looked at or how insecure they felt about their body, when in reality, I was a child. A child with badly cut bangs, braces and a little bit of baby fat. All the signs of a regular, normal, awkward teenager.
I think what’s changed is that I don’t just like myself, I’m attracted to myself. There’s feeling beautiful and there’s genuinely liking the person in the mirror. Feeling beautiful can be fleeting, it can change at the drop of a hat or be influenced by other things; but liking the person who’s looking back is about more than being less critical of my body or just being comfortable without any makeup on.
When I look in the mirror, I can’t wait to hang out with the person in there. I want to take them out, treat them right, and spend the rest of my life with them. Even on their worst days, I think they’re still super cool. I’m not used to it yet, but I like the way it feels.
Strike Out,
Z.K. Domingo
Editor: Kaya O’Rourke
Saint Augustine
Z.K. Domingo is a writer for Strike Magazine Saint Augustine, and a multimedia artist. In their free time, they can usually be found annotating a book, borrowing DVDs from the library, or most likely daydreaming. Hang out with them at @zkcreative.
