Dating Like a Man, Loving Like a Woman

When I finally decided to break up with my ex, my brother put it to me simply: “Meet in public, set a timer, then block him.” His harsh words stuck, but I chose a different way.

I didn’t need the timer. I said what I had to and walked away.

Later, I gave him his things and left a note thanking him, explaining that staying only hurt. I couldn’t keep caring for him when it was clear he didn’t care for me. I didn't know it then, but knowing how to be cold when necessary, yet still true to your loving feminine nature, would be the key to protecting your heart.

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Option A or B?

The day after that breakup, I bumped into someone I met once before, but had only said a few words to. This time we talked the whole night, then left for winter break and went our separate ways. We saw each other again the first week back. Same place, same spark. Like fate. He was older, graduating soon, but now we had the semester to spend together.

It was never going to last, and I knew it. My own heart had broken me once before, but I wouldn’t let it happen again. We would just enjoy each other's company until it was no longer ours to enjoy. I told myself I’d be smarter this time. 

“So… what are we doing here?” he asked. I thought I had it all figured out.

“There’s option A and there’s option B,” I said, half-smiling, slightly sinister, like I already knew the ending. “Option A: we admit this (us) was a bad idea, have a fun night, then forget we ever met and part ways.”

“And what's the other option?” he asked, slightly worried.

“Option B: we have a fun few months together, and come summer, we’re strangers again.”

He paused. “I don’t really like either of those options.”

“Well,” I told him, “you have to pick one.”

We picked option B. I thought if I set the terms, I couldn’t be the one that got hurt. The plan worked at first. I didn’t really lose him, but I lost myself a little. Somewhere between the soft beginning and the hard goodbye, I realized I was becoming a version of myself I didn’t recognize. Those rules weren’t protecting me at all—they were just pushing me to detach.

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Play or Get Played

We call it “dating like a man.” Yet, when women borrow that playbook, it doesn’t always free us. Scroll through Instagram long enough and you’ll see it everywhere:

“When he asks me not to talk to other guys, but he’s literally one of the other guys,” or “Rejecting another man because you have a boyfriend is like refusing money because you got a job.”

I scroll and laugh.

Then, I think a bit deeper. Out of thousands of reposts and likes, there are many women that believe it’s socially acceptable to do cruel things, like toy with someone's feelings or even cheat on them. All because “it’s just a guy.” The new commandments of modern dating tell women to abandon empathy and embrace cruelty. Don't text first, mirror his energy and whatever you do, don't catch feelings.

Online, hopeless romantics are “delusional.” Trends mock people for caring too deeply and praise blocking instead of communication.  We didn’t start “dating like men” out of nowhere. We started doing it to survive the men who stopped showing up for us. To reclaim power in a system that rewarded them for apathy and punished us for caring.

But what happens when the very defense mechanism meant to protect us starts to turn us into someone we never meant to become?

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The Cost of Playing the Game 

Men have become used to being sought after, believing they are entitled to a woman's love, and have, in turn, forced women into the role that they’ve abandoned. When it comes to dating, women often have to sacrifice their femininity in order to be taken seriously. So many of us have internalized the idea that cruelty is acceptable as long as it’s aimed at men. That if they’ve hurt us as a group, we can’t be blamed for what we do as individuals.

And yet, I know better. Because I’ve done it too.

I have always been regarded as a bit of a heartbreaker when it comes to guys. While chatting at home one night, my roommate said “Yeah, Riana, I’ve never seen you be mean to anyone,” before she quickly added “except when it’s a man.” She was right.

I mean, yes, I’ve made my fair share of men cry. Dumped one on New Year's Eve. Led a couple on. Ghosted the others. I’ll stop there because, at my core, I am the sweetest soul, so full of love and longing to give it to someone worthy. I’m just scared.

This desire to play all of the right cards and come off as indifferent is slowly breaking us. Beneath every dry response and every “I don’t care” is someone who does care, deeply, but is terrified of being the only one who does. Society is telling women to stop feeling. But I feel everything completely, and pretending like I don’t hurts me more than any “love” I’ve ever known.

I used to think detachment was power. That control meant safety. But women aren’t built to thrive in numbness. Not because we are weak but because connection is what gives us life. We yearn to care and be cared for. Yet, the culture tells us softness is a liability. We start mistaking armor for strength when the weight of that armor is what hurts us the most.

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Winning The Game

As women in society, we tend to generalize all men as some sort of evil entity undeserving of love—and let's be real, some of them have earned that title. Sometimes they can come off as cruel and heartless, but, in reality, their genuine ability to do as they please might be exactly what protects their heart. Men don’t do kind things for women because they feel bad. Men will always do whatever they want and treat people however they choose because they live their lives for themselves. If they want to fall hard and love loudly, they do.

In an attempt to imitate men, we women have lost our sense of self. But men’s emotional freedom doesn’t come from coldness. Society has just always allowed men to center themselves.

Maybe that's the difference. We have interpreted “dating like a man” as being cold, and detached because warmth has always been held against us. Women were raised to nurture, men were raised to do as they please. Maybe somewhere along the way we decided that feeling relinquishes freedom. But freedom isn’t the absence of emotion, rather, the ability to act on your own terms without apology. To want without shame and walk away without guilt. Maybe that’s what men have always understood. You don’t owe anyone a performance. You can like someone and still choose yourself. You can leave and not be the villain.

Men date women because the woman happens to be there when they’re ready. Women date men because they want the man. We fall for potential, they fall for timing. That imbalance is where so much heartbreak lives. Women are taught to “think like a woman, act like a man.” But that's just not how we’re wired. So what if we stopped trying to win the game?

Maybe “dating like a man” was never the goal and “loving like a woman” was never a  weakness. What if winning the game simply meant rewriting the rules? 

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Strike Out,
Writer: Riana Sage Morales
Editor: Ria Pai

Riana Sage is a writer for Strike Magazine GNV. No one ever quite knows where to find her, she’s usually off on a random quest, camera in hand, and talking to strangers. When she’s not discovering a new study spot, catching live music, or taking photos, she’s home with her cat, Jazz. She’s hard to reach, but easy to find—just follow the sound of a speaker or the trail of wired headphones. (Or reach her on Instagram: @rianamoraless).