Dear Ginger,

Being a sex and relationship columnist means I cannot go anywhere in peace. The bar? Questions. The bathroom line? Questions. My Instagram DMs? Don’t even get me started. Every other day, I’m caught giving a TED Talk about another broken situationship, and frankly, it is my favorite part of the job.

It kills me to think that when we all inevitably leave Gainesville, those conversations go too. So obviously, I had to start an advice column. Before I say farewell to Strike, I thought this was the perfect place to debut the “Dear Ginger” column, which I will continue on my Substack. These are real questions asked by you all through my very fancy, anonymous Google form, answered with my sex educator, big sister wisdom.

“Dear Ginger, a man has literally never made me finish, and I fake it. Every. Single. Time. I almost feel like it’s the only way to fill silence…? Help! How do I stop this habit, and how do I get a man to get me to the finish line without making it awkward?”

Dear Fake It Frannie,

If acting is your passion, join an improv group, because the bedroom is absolutely not the time and place. Here’s the thing: a man cannot improve if he thinks he’s doing it right every time. You’re reinforcing bad behavior. Thankfully, this can be corrected with a little positive reinforcement.

I’m assuming you can make yourself orgasm. If not, start there. Then, introduce him to what you like with a little dirty talk: “I really want to try doing XYZ with your XYZ.” Then only moan, writhe, or tell him you love it when it actually feels good. If you act like a dead fish when it feels mediocre, I promise he will move on at some point. Or if you’ve got the confidence, it’s way easier in the long run to just speak up. Finding your pleasure doesn’t have to take away from his. In reality, he’ll probably think sex is way hotter when you’re actually enjoying yourself. It’s a win-win!

“Dear Ginger, how do I deal with being behind on relationships and sex compared to my peers?”

Dear Behind Betty,

College, more than ever, can feel like a race to experience the most. Whether it’s partying, involvement, relationships, or sex, it’s easy to feel like you are “behind”, especially with the grandiose facade of social media. But the reality is, you can’t be behind in a race that has no set starting point. Everyone jumps in at different times.

I’ve seen it play out again and again with my friends. Katya, for example, turned twenty before having her first kiss, despite being interested in lots of people. She felt like she had missed her window and could never catch up. And then, within one summer, everything changed: she kissed multiple people, got into her first relationship, and built a sex life she actually enjoyed. All that anxiety and FOMO? Gone. At the same time, I have friends who were super active in dating and sex during high school who have been completely solo in college. It ebbs and flows for everyone. We’re all just at the beginning of adulthood, and over the course of a lifetime, a first relationship at 15 versus 25 doesn’t seem like that big of a difference.

So yes, it’s hard when your friends are doing things you’re not. That feeling is real. But it doesn’t mean you’re being left behind, it just means you’re on your own journey. Instead of focusing on what everyone else is doing, try to focus on what you actually want and how you want to get there. If you want a little romance, go initiate that dance floor makeout. If you’d rather let things unfold naturally, lean into that. There’s no right way to do this.

“Dear Ginger, my man and I have been dating for almost a year, and every time we try to have sex, he gets soft. It’s not a “oh, he’s not attracted to me” thing because he stays hard when we do literally everything else. But as soon as having sex gets brought up, he gets all nervous and in his head. He’s a virgin, btw. What can we do to help with that issue? We’re both ready, and I don’t want to rush, but this has been happening a lot, and I don’t know how long I can wait. Thanks xx”

We usually think of erectile dysfunction as something that comes with age, but the reality is that a lot of young men experience performance anxiety-induced ED. Essentially, he’s in his head, feeling a ton of pressure, and his body is like ABORT MISSION.

But the reality is, first times at anything are usually rough. The first time I took a shot of tequila? Humbling. The first time anyone tries waterskiing consistently results in a flooded nasal cavity. And first kisses usually involve a disgusting amount of tongue. But all of these things, with practice, are some of the most fun parts of life! Sex is no different. It is normal to figure it out as you go.

As his girlfriend, your job is to keep things as low-pressure as possible. Take the spotlight off his weiner and direct it towards having a fun time together. Make out, mess around, explore, with no expectations of where the night will take you, and do this often. If he maintains a stiffy, amazing, boink each other. If not, you still had fun and built more comfort, which is the whole point.

If it keeps happening and your timer is running out, it might be worth gently suggesting he see a professional. Therapy or even light medication can honestly work wonders. But for now, less pressure and more pleasure.

“Dear Ginger, I’ve never been in any formal relationship. I’ve had talking stages, but never actually liked a guy as a person at all. With girls, I have a hard time separating the feeling of liking someone as a friend vs something more, and I don’t know how to even start. Girls are so much scarier. Additionally, the sex I like to have with men is freaaaaky, and I mean like hard kinks and stuff I don’t even tell my friends, but it’s so hard to find guys who are into the same things I am, but aren’t a terrible person and actually see women as human…I really don’t know what to do or how I’m ever going to leave hookup culture behind and find someone I actually love.”

Dear Kinky Katie,

I need you to take a big breath. Split attraction, where your romantic and sexual interests don’t line up, is super common. However, your current plan of attack sounds pretty stressful. It sounds less like you “aren’t into romance” and more like you aren’t setting the tone for romance. You want kinky sex with a respectful partner and the room to explore what you are interested in romantically. That all sounds very doable to me, but the whole hide it away from everyone and hook up with disrespectful creeps in the dark thing ain’t working. You’ve built your sex life up in the shadows, so of course, opening up to an honest romantic relationship is challenging!

Step one is to find a friend you can talk to about this: someone who is candid and supportive (AKA supports your wellbeing, not blindly supports everything you do) and sex positive. Give them the dirty deets over a dirty martini and let the weight off your shoulders. If they are concerned, that probably means they are a great friend, since it sounds like you are pretty unhappy. Secrecy is a recipe for internal turmoil. Talking about it will bring you clarity.

Step two is to attempt a more classic approach to dating and sex. Find a person you really like and go on some fun dates! Truly, setting the scene for romance is the best way to find it. If the romance doesn’t blossom, no worries! You just had fun with a friend. If it does, great. And if straight-up sexual tension blooms, then you can have a friend with benefits. I usually wouldn’t recommend an FWB situation since catching feelings feels inevitable, but it sounds like that is the energy you are looking for! And if all you get is sex, then you’ve solved your issue of having sex with terrible people.

I think you will absolutely find the love you are looking for, but you probably aren’t going to find it by sneaking around. There’s a time and a place for sex sleuthing (trust), but if what you want is connection, you have to lay the foundation.

Strike Out,

Writer: Ginger Koehler
Editor: Ria Pai

Ginger Koehler, otherwise locally known as "the sex girl", is everyone's favorite sex and relationship educator and columnist, or at least that's what she likes to think. She is a certified yapper and not-so-certified rapper, and if you ask her to freestyle, you will find out why. If you'd like to reach out, direct all questions and guacamole recipes to her Instagram @gingerkoehler52, or email gingerkoehler52@gmail.com—we made her promise not to rap back.

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