How To Be Lonely
I close the door to my college bedroom in my apartment. I hope nobody’s home. I twist the lock for extra measure. The mirror sitting on the side of my sand-colored walls exposes my red, puffy eyes. I hope makeup can cover this up. I slide down the white wood dresser decorated with succulents and a copy of Tender is the Night; I’ve been meaning to read it, but it’s been more of a decorative filler these days. The drawers on the dress scratch my spine as I sit on the itchy, shag carpet. I don’t want to be, as I reflect in a fragmented, cracking thought. I can’t be, as I whisper to myself trying to express my thoughts while the salty tears caress my quivering lips. It’s okay, take a deep breath, and give life to your daunting fear- I don’t want to be, and I can’t be alone.
Dear reader, I’m sure you’ve been here before. I’m also sure it’s a sore subject on which to meditate; pondering this type of pain unravels wounds that have been carefully stitched together and glued by your tears. The one that promised their life to you decided they wanted something else, that other friend chose to leave you in the dust, or family bonds weaken and shatter under pressure. Now, you’re left to pick up the pieces that cut your hands open each time you try to repair the damage. It’s frightening to be alone; it’s terrifying to be left with the thought that you might be unlovable. Sweet reader, none of your cynical thoughts are true. You will not crack under the pressure of being left alone with your own thoughts. You will not deteriorate at the soreness of the memory. Most importantly, you will blossom into the person you were always meant to be.
How do I become comfortable with the company of my thoughts? Your perceptions of yourself have always been there, but there came a time when something switched. There came a time when somebody or something convoluted your insight into your lively soul and penetrated deep into the core of what you thought you were supposed to be. In essence, prejudiced opinions dug their way into your being, and now their judgements have made a home in the corner of your mind as they whisper that you need someone else’s validation to become whole. Gentle reader, understanding where the obstructive thoughts come from gives way into grabbing them and chuckin them into the trash. After all, those aren’t your thoughts, and they don’t belong next to your spirit. You don’t need anyone else’s discernment to tell you that they, or anyone else, is the path to your happiness. You provide your own contentment, and you are your own home.
Now, how do I become fulfilled simply being alone? There is much room to grow, and a lot of space in that beautiful mind now. Put in a couch- the plush kind that will envelop you in the warmth of its embrace. You can spread out there with your thoughts as you ponder all the lovely aspects of your bright soul. You can put in a lamp, too. That way your contemplation can be illuminated for everyone to see because I assure you, it’s worth it to show. Throw down a carpet. Maybe the fur-type one that covers your feet as you walk across it. Now you have a warm, welcoming foundation on which to stand. Those are only three things, but I promise you there is so much more to add. Become enwrapped in who you are able to be and the goodness that your presence brings. See, you were never going to crack at the weight of being alone. You were always enough for yourself. And when you’re ready, add in a side table, and maybe a couple other chairs for when you’re ready to open the door to like-minded people. Create contentment in your own space, and the rest will follow. Time to get to work; you have some more furnishing to do.
Strike Out,
Katherine Stegall
Edited by: Jane Dodge
Graphic by: Olivia Leggett
Chattanooga
