Marla Singer On Death And Dying
As far as first impressions go, Marla Singer is quite the one. I mean, going to group therapy sessions for problems you don’t have, just to feel something? That’s unhinged. But Marla said life's tragedy was that you don’t get to choose the ending. Death chooses you. After living in a hospital bed this summer, I understood.
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“Marla’s life philosophy was that she might die at any moment. The tragedy, she said, was that she didn’t.”
– Fight Club.
I’m not dying. But for ten days, I really thought I was. And if you asked me what was wrong, I’d probably just say that it’s complicated. But if you had told me that at twenty years old I would be praying just to wake up the next morning, I would have lived a very different life.
Being sick and facing death changes your perspective; or rather, puts life into perspective. If you were going to die, what would you regret not having done? For me, it was graduating and solo traveling. Along with my health, walking across the O’Connell Center stage and seeing more of the world are my top priorities. Illness can be a blessing in disguise. It reveals what truly matters to you and what you want in your life.
Would I have spent as many hours worrying about the future instead of living in the present, sacrificing outings with friends in favor of Lib West? Probably not. I would have danced more and gone out and probably made some riskier decisions. At least, that’s what my heart wanted when faced with the possibility of dying. I wanted to get on a plane and fly far away from the IV that was chaining me to reality.
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“I got this dress at a thrift store for one dollar…It’s a bridesmaid’s dress. Someone loved it intensely for one day, and then tossed it. Like a Christmas tree. So special. Then–bam–it’s on the side of the road.” – Fight Club
Sickness also reveals gratitude. Admittedly, when I was told there was a strong suspicion of leukemia or lymphoma, I was terrified, but soon after happy for all the times I was able to really live. And surprisingly, living isn’t in the big life events–it’s in the day-to-day. Living is in the mundane. Movie nights, beach days, and long drives with nowhere to go were actually what revealed to be the peak of my existence.
Fortunately, I didn’t end up having cancer, but I was faced with the magnitude of restrictions that come with it. You can’t go on planes, you can’t go abroad, you can’t go near animals, you can’t be around babies, you can’t share silverware, you can’t attend in-person classes, you can’t go into work, you can’t have sex, you can’t make out, and your hair falls out.
No kissing. No smoking. No public spaces. Marla would have laughed and offered me a cigarette that I couldn’t touch.
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Since the summer, I've been learning to readjust my mindset, which involves releasing control of the future. We’re all working toward this elusive vision in college where we get through school, achieve our goals, and feel satisfied. We plan out our degrees and get through it planning for postgrad. It’s a pressure cooker for anxiety and expectations. What happened to enjoying the moment? Being sick made me realize how little control we actually have. You can’t plan for everything, but you could follow all the steps just to find yourself in a hospital room.
Marla Singer’s absurdist survival technique was to live like there was little meaning in the future if you could just die at any moment. Getting closer to death made Marla feel alive, overdosing on Xanax just to feel real. To Marla, living a predictably planned life is a lie. It’s an inauthentic solution to avoid feeling life fully in the day-to-day.
Albeit a slightly morbid life motto, life could end at any moment and every experience should be cherished. Don’t wait to get to the next stage in life to start really living it. Embark on that side quest and try new things.
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Strike out,
Writer: Reagan Alapa
Editor: Ria Pai
Reagan Alapa is a writer for Strike Magazine GNV. She spends her time scrolling through the Pinterest archives and reading way too deep in personality theory and life path numerology. If the stars align and she decides to go outside, she is likely at the beach and listening to the ocean speak. Hit her up @reagan.alapa on the gram.
