The First Date Survival Guide

Everyone has a bad first date story… and to your advantage, I have a collection. As a self-proclaimed first date connoisseur, I've started to notice some patterns. And no, I don’t mean the coffee versus dinner debate. Below is my ultimate first date survival guide. Here's what they don't want you to know: how they move, and how to react.

The Secondary Location

When I was a kid, I took D.A.R.E classes at my elementary school with a local police officer. He would give us different pointers on how to handle dangerous, real world situations—things like peer pressure, substances and our “no no squares”.

I remember we had a lesson on kidnapping. The officer told me something that stuck with me forever: “Kick, Bite, Scratch. Do whatever you have to do. But NEVER go to a secondary location, because your survival rate will tremendously decrease.”

Obviously, the stakes are lower here, but the takeaway never left.

First dates should be short and sweet. The problems usually come with what I like to call “the infinite first date glitch”. You think you've come across this perfect connection, and one location just doesn't seem like enough. But trust me, it is.

Going to multiple locations—whether it be to their place, a bar or just a long walk—creates the false illusion of intimacy. You do not know this person. If they really like you and want to continue seeing you, a second date will be planned. Get your ass home for the roommate debrief.

The Bedroom Boyfriend

There's a quote I keep thinking about: “If your standards don't rule out the majority, they aren’t high enough.”

The Bedroom Boyfriend is the blueprint for low-effort, low commitment men. If the first time he asks to see you is when it's dark out so you can rot in his bed for hours on end, he doesn’t actually like you, you’re just easily attainable and simple to please.

Now if this is your vibe, I don’t judge. But if you are looking for a serious relationship, someone who’s going to show up for you at all times of the day, the Bedroom Boyfriend will never be that guy. Once you start only saying yes to people that are willing to put in time and effort to be with you, that is all you will attract. It's that easy.

There's like 8 billion people out there. Trust, your soulmate is not the guy whose roommates wave to you awkwardly from the living room while you walk to their nasty bathroom.

The Commitment Crashout

In my first-date journey, the Commitment Crashout was definitely a new category for me. I went on a first date and to my surprise, received the paragraph of doom and despair after about two weeks of knowing each other.

“I don’t think I can do this right now.”

I’m not sure what part of our short-term fling made him feel like I was ordering the floral arrangements for our wedding. I’d say the Commitment Crashout is very similar to the classic “Love Bomber”.

They'll reach out to you first, take you on a nice date, then freak the hell out before you even know their middle name. All I can say about this type is: date with caution. If you’re the type to fall easily and romanticize a couple hangouts, make sure you can tell the signs of a Commitment Crashout before, well… the crashout.

It always starts with slowing down their replies, not planning the next date. Whether it's the ex-girlfriend they're still in love with or a summer internship they're focused on, they will not be able to dedicate time to you, and it shows. Run for the hills.

Picky Pete

I once had a first date perform surgery on his taco to avoid eating a piece of lettuce. He split open the hard shell, and individually picked out every last bit. It was meticulous.

“What are you doing?” I asked him.

“Oh I just don’t like lettuce.”

I understand not fancying a whole salad—maybe you're just not super into veggies like that. But dissecting your food? I mean it was just ridiculous.

“Just try it, come on, just take a bite.” I even tried feeding it to him, hoping he’d see this more as a cute gesture rather than force feeding food down his throat. He stood his ground, insisting that he knows what he likes, and he knows lettuce is not it.

I come from a family that serves me everything, and I have never thought twice about trying something new.

In life, people are going to feed you all this corny dating propaganda: how you need to see past people's flaws, forgive them a million times over and love them anyways. People talk about getting into relationships like you're getting drafted to war.

First dates are a great opportunity to notice someone's little quirks that just aren’t compatible with yours. In my case, it was simple. I didn’t like that Picky Pete was picky. I wanted a partner I could sit at my family's dinner table with no hesitation.

And that's okay. You can have these weird, specific dating standards that other people think are insane or dramatic. It’s your dating life. Own it. You don’t need to go on a second date with Picky Pete just because he was nice. Find someone you can picture eating at your table.

The Mute

I finish off with this first date because you genuinely just need to survive it. There’s no worrying about the second date because you're just trying to make it through the first one without actually going insane.

Let me introduce you to: The Mute. Otherwise known as someone with zero personality. I went on the most lovely steak dinner date once. He played the part perfectly: dressed up nice, opened my car door and secured a reservation.

When the date began, I realized I had agreed to steak with The Mute. The one that asks you absolutely nothing about yourself, answers questions with one word and spends the majority of your time together trying to figure out how to make eye contact.

I am particularly good at dealing with The Mute. As a journalism major, my life aspirations involve asking people questions and learning their stories. So if you want to make it out of this date without your head exploding from boredom, channel your inner reporter.

You'll realize although you might not want a second date, it can be nice to practice your conversation skills and learn something new. Instead of seeing The Mute as a liability, see them as an advantage.

And if you feel this may apply to you, practice the art of asking “and what about you?” It's really not that hard.

So here’s what actually matters: every lousy date is one step closer to the right person—or nothing at all, which is still better than the wrong one. And to my first dates I just exposed, I hope you can make it to the second date with someone else using my advice.

Strike out,
Writer: Eva Garcia
Editor: Olivia Evans
Pronounced as EH-VAH (not Ayyyy-va or EEEE-vuh), Eva Garcia is a writer for Strike Magazine Gainesville. If she's not writing about her doomed dating life, you can find her dancing, trying a new matcha place or abusing Substack. To see more, follow her on Instagram! DMs always open for some advice or just a good laugh. @eva_.garciaa