The Future is Sexual
What exactly does it mean to have truly good sex, to experience burning passion and desire through the bodily connections of another individual? Sure, good sex takes compatibility, attraction, and a multitude of pre-existing biological desires. Many choose to embrace an even more scientific approach by referencing the commonly accepted sexual response cycle; excitement, plateau, orgasm, and resolution. Yet sex is much more than just biology, and it would be tedious to treat it as simply an animalistic product of the natural world. When given a closer look, sex represents something highly individualized and personal. Its meaning is predicated on one's sexual orientation, gender identity, class, and overarching life experiences that have shaped the person into who they are. This nuanced notion of sex is typically forgotten due to ever present stigma surrounding the hot (pun intended) topic.
I spoke with Morgan, a highly popular polyamory influencer (@chillpolyamory on Instagram), and Rene Esparza, an assistant professor of women, gender, and sexuality studies at Washington University in St. Louis. While the two hold vastly different occupations and come from different upbringings, they both share similar viewpoints on sex regarding its perception and importance as fluid at its best and stagnant at its worst. Morgan was drawn to polyamory due to her inability to find true satisfaction within monogamous relationships that often left her feeling “depressed.” She recognized that there was an ever constant “resentment” that would fester in her pre-polyamorous relationships. In contrast, Professor Esparza's research on sexual politics was inspired by his experiences of growing up in the midst of gentrification in Chicago and its relation to LGBTQ individuals who in some cases perpetuated, benefited, and suffered from its practices. The two of them are able to provide valuable and highly important insight into the importance of sexual identity and expression.
Morgan's public presence has led her to develop a unique perspective on sexual discourse. Her original draw to social media was due to an experience where she appeared as a panelist to speak about non-monogamy. Morgan explained, “I saw the impact that tiny bit of visibility had, especially for newcomers eager to see polyamorous examples. My life is also pretty calm, which can be nice to know is possible. So I started @chillpolyamory soon after that.” She recognizes the power her words and actions have over her 89.7 thousand Instagram followers. Yet she does not necessarily consider herself a “sex influencer.” Morgan said, “It's cool that people find value in my thoughts. I rarely really mention sex though. Polyamory, for me, is more about maintaining complex relationship dynamics.” Much like the BDSM community, polyamorists want to promote a narrative that challenges that their lifestyle is only erotic. There is a forcefully present element of care and compassion within polyamory that is typically forgotten and lost by the public.
Professor Esparza is able to explain in academic terms why non-heteronormative relationship dynamics are surrounded by stigma and therefore are not fully understood. When asked why sex is stuck in a political cycle he said, “Sexuality will always remain political as long as there is inequality in sexual expressions. In Western societies like ours, sexual expressions are judged as good or bad. That expression of white heteropatriarchy is codified into law. Everyone else is judged according to that center.” Professor Esparza also understands that sex has a very close relationship with religion. The unhealthy dynamic between religion and sex typically leads to further societal polarization. Professor Esparza explained, “Religion is very pervasive in the way we feel our sexuality. Religion has coincided with sexuality. Shame plays a major role in it.”
Influencers such as Morgan are attempting to create online spaces that de-stigmatize alternative approaches to sex and relationships. Morgan explained the role of sex positivity in polyamory by saying, “To be polyamorous and still sexually shaming people would be odd. And it's not that we are having sex all the time. Plenty of us are asexual, demisexual, or just have a low libido. But in terms of finding liberation in how we relate to people, a sex positive attitude would need to be part of that.” Sex positive spaces have the potential to destabilize the established understanding of sex as a heteronormative and monogamous act. Professor Esparza spoke on the issue of queer sex by saying, “We live in a very heteropatriarchal society, and as people who deviate from that standard we associate negative impacts around those acts. We try to repress those desires or keep them hidden, because we know there are consequences due to institutionalized heterosexuality as the norm” By merging Morgan and Professor Esperza’s ideas together, it is possible to envision a world where non-traditional sexual relationships are not viewed as out of the ordinary.
Regarding the topic of imagination, I asked Professor Esparza to apply his knowledge on sexual theory and envision a post-apocalyptic world where people lack all inhibitions. Professor Esparza responded with, “There would be much more fluidity in our gender expression and there would be much more openness in our sexuality. It would be much more fluid in terms of different kinship systems— much more non-normative, perhaps systems that involve three people.” In “trying to challenge purity culture,” Morgan is pushing present day sexual discourse in the direction of Esparza's constructed universe. Both of their hopes, dreams, and desires align in their longing for a more sexually liberated world filled with acceptance for the non-normative. Morgan explained, “It can be hard for people to validate polyamory if they've only ever been shown the nuclear family model. But so many other relational models are out there, and have been for millennia. It's just that colonization largely suppressed or outlawed anything other than monogamy. If we want to challenge colonial norms, mononormativity is absolutely included in that work.” In order to reach this supposed “free sex world,” Morgan urges people to decolonize their minds when it comes to all things sex related or even adjacent. Yet this world continues to feel increasingly far out of reach for the everyday person, and a way to counteract that widespread emotion is to digest the information being put out by “sex influencers.”
Morgan left me with a final tip for those who want to diversify their approach to sex and relationships. She emphasized that, “Polyamory won't fix a struggling relationship. It's also not a justification for cheating. Enjoyable non-monogamy is work, which means unlearning social scripts, confronting our traumas, and proactively sharing hard truths with partners. If you want freedom without responsibility, you're in the wrong place.”
Sex will continue to remain a topic that is impossible to approach linearly. Its existence invokes a profoundly unique perspective depending on the eye of the beholder. Both Morgan and Esparza understand that minute details and nuances matter when discussing sex. It may feel like sex will always remain constricted and traditional. However, when taking into consideration Morgan and Esparza's experienced viewpoints, maybe it is possible that one day sex will undergo an apocalyptic liberation.
Writer: Talia Zakalik
Strike Out,
St. Louis