Be A Villager

The pursuit of “finding my people” may be one of the most repetitive points of contention in my life. 

I have always been so caught up in not having found that group yet. Or, so I thought. None of the people around me fit me; they weren't the people I thought were my people. 

That was until I stopped trying to find people who fit me. Instead, I have changed my perspective. I needed to let those around me be themselves, and I needed to love them for who they were in relation to their own uniqueness rather than in relation to mine. 

That is still a work in progress. 

But, I think truly to have a village, you must be a villager, and to be touched by love is not to change but to be changed through it. 

I suppose I expected a village; I took mine for granted. 

I have built and still am building my village by being a villager in others. 

Support, love, community, and warmth do not all happen in a cold, dark, lonely corner. 

People's walls do not fall, and rooms do not warm on their own. 

You have to fill it.

You have to be in others rooms to fill your own.

Sometimes, I have found that in pursuit of that, it takes showing up and sitting on the other side of locked doors, time and time again. 

Sitting, speaking, and gaining trust through the one ray of light shining from a keyhole. 

To build a community of care and love, you must care and love first. 

I once argued that altruism exists and that we are good humans just to be good humans, with no other intention required. But, I think I am okay if altruism does not exist. However, I believe it is incorrect to define a lack of altruism as a lack of something selfless. Does selflessness exist if altruism does not? 

I do not know. But I do know that beautiful things still happen. Communities still build, networks still get more colorful, and empathy still deepens. 

But empathy only deepens in our ability to build relationships with others. 

I think that we are doing ourselves a grand disservice by immediately assuming that there is something that fundamentally separates us as humans and allows borders to be built around who we can become friends with and experience life with. 

We often find that similarity can immediately constitute friendship or communion, I argue that it's only that way because we have let it. 

Assuming that we are structurally different, or that there is an innate sexual tension and disconnect between every man and every woman, only grows deeper polarization. Worlds only expand when we welcome those who are different than us. 

To have platonic friends of different genders, races, religions, and political parties is incredibly important to our developmental view of the world and those around us. 

We can be better humans, lead better lives, and have a stronger democracy when we show up for others, in their best and worst moments, in the moments and lives we don't understand.

Decentralizing romance. Who am I if I am not an object of desire, a person who is loved to let flourish? What if I have been that person this whole time, and what if it just doesn't matter?

My friends and my family have always made me feel loved; they don't see me for looks; they see my intelligence, my determination, and my depth of love, and yet I still search for that in one single person to spend the rest of my life with. 

However, I have that. I show up for my friends, I go out to the bar even when I don't want to, I livestream my best friends' performances from states away, I bring coffee to class, and in return, I have a village. 

In sickness and in health, for richer or for poorer. I have that, yet I still find myself searching for it as if those brief communions among friends are not enough. 

Who would I be if I let that be enough? If I met people where they are and let everyone else meet me where I am, too? 

Can decentralizing romance help build these communities? I think it can. Loving people without ascribing them with a perceived relationship. Giving my friends my all and making friends of different genders with no desire for romance or lust. To make those relationships, let people in and be let in by others, to build bigger world views, and so we can learn more about the lives we don't lead, the colors other people see, and experiences we will never have.

I think that's how we take better care of others, the world around us, and in turn, ourselves. So, it's okay with me if altruism doesn't exist. 

Nothing I have said is profoundly new or a groundbreaking thought, but I think it's important every day to remember to be a sponge to the world, and love deeply and openly. 

Strike Out,

Delaney Holman, Writer

Strike Magazine Chattanooga