Once I’m Older

Image Credit: Helen Capote

As an elementary school student, I would always be intimidated by middle schoolers. I’d see them tower over me as they held up the lunchline with their friends, wishing I was as mature as them. 

At times I’d glance at their schoolwork to see just how difficult math would get for me in the future. What I saw worried me, but I told myself I’d understand once I was in middle school. 

As a middle school student, I felt stuck. Every movie I watched was always centered around a 16-year-old high schooler.

 She would have a decorated locker, awkwardly layered clothing, a nerdy best friend, and always wanted the popular guy in school. 

I asked my older cousin how high school is going: “It’s whatever, I can’t wait to graduate, I’m failing math.”

All I thought about was how I wanted to be that 16-year-old girl with awkwardly layered clothing. 

As a high school student, I dreamed about independence and going to university. I wanted to be able to live on my own and live the stereotypical college life. 

No matter what that looked like, I wanted out. 

I couldn't wait to graduate. Also, I was failing math. 

As a college student, I yearn for a career. I need to start graduate school and begin working in the field. 

I found myself in this constant cycle of wanting to be further in the future. I believe that once I get to a certain point in my life I’ll finally be satisfied. 

Now, I can’t wait to start making real money and escape Canvas discussion posts. 

And pass the math class I’ve retaken twice. 

I believe that when I’m 30, I’ll want to get a promotion at work, and when I’m 60, I’ll be desperate to retire. 

If I wait for my future, it isn’t necessarily bad, but rather, it means that I know good things will happen eventually. 

Strike out,

Helen Capote

Miami

Helen Capote is a student at Florida International University, majoring in Social Work and Journalism. Helen's work is investigative and culture-focused, exploring societal subcultures. Her writing has been featured onHerCampus, PantherNOW, and she self-publishes on Substack. In her free time, she makes zines, volunteers at advocacy-focused organizations, and participates in the local music scene.